Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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