Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
