Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
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Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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