omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
