Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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