that's an acceptable place to lick
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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