Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
