Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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