I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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