Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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