I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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