I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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