video games are the ultimate cock blocker
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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