dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Who died my cat blue again?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
