If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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