rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I fill condoms, not promises.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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