dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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