70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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