You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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