My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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