If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
