what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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