We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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