you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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