Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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