Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
