My underwear smells like fireworks.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
