i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
