Whatcha textin bout Willis?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
