Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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