It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
