What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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