life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
