i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
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as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
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You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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