if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
