He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
