Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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