On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
