so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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