just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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