Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
