You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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