I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
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We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
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I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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