Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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