I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just want to make out with him forever
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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