Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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