the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
