The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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