you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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