I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who did Billy Mays play for?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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