oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
