If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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