I heard we made out
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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