The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
