I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
